freshman year

freshman year was amazing. i had a lot of fun. i didn't get to join a sorority as i had planned. i didnt meet the most amazing people. but i went out to frats/apartments/ and even the bars. i had fun at those places. i got really drunk. i still have never had sex. thats what college is about right? getting drunk and having fun, who cares what kind of people you hang out with right? wrong. i thought the people i was hanging around with would do anything for me till the day i die. wrong again. i realized i was going out of my way for people that just didnt care about me. two of them have me blocked on social media. they all went out of their way to go to florida without me. i spent $200 on that plane ticket. i couldn't get a refund. i can't get a refund on the time i wasted thinking we were all going to be friends forever. sometimes i think its because im from new jersey. theyre judgmental and they continuously judge me for being from new jersey. heres the thing. its just them. the other people outside of that friend group dont think im weird for being from new jersey. they think its cool i decided to go 800 miles from home. thats awesome. thats the kind of people i need to surround myself with. i thought coming home to my friends ive known my whole life would help me realize there are good friends out there. i have devon. but we dont really talk like we are best friends. its hard and im worried shes finding other best friends. beth is also my best friend but we are a weird kind of best friends. we dont talk about personal things at all. she cried to me one time when she was drunk about how she thinks shes always going to be the girl that guys fuck and then screw over. thats happened to her a lot. she hasnt told me but i know. she doesnt even tell me who she fucks but i know. i can see the hurt in her. i can read people like that. i dont think im better than anyone else and im not going to say i know everyones story, because i sure as hell don't. but i can tell when someone is hurting and if they give me even a little hint, i can tell what the problem may sometimes be and i try and be there for them. i only wish i can have a friend like that one day. this is my problem. i go so out of my way for people and i just feel like no one would do the same for me. this is why im losing trust in people. im losing trust in almost everyone. i feel as though im just sitting on the edge of a mountain in colorado, and i just keep getting pushed closer and closer to the edge by people that i trust and think are my friends. dont get me wrong i know my family will always be there for me no matter what, but life for a girl is damn near impossible without some good friends. i know that God has a plan for everyone, but sometimes i question why do i have to go through all of these bad horrible feelings in order to experience the good? thats when i realize people will always have it harder than me. im not the only one. people have it so much harder. thats when i feel like a horrible person for complaining about my problems. i shouldnt do that. there is one person who seems to know every answer to life. thats melissa pagano. her brother died last week. his name was michael. that family is like a family to me. it was really hard for this town. i considered him like a brother to me. melissa had gone to rehab for 10 months to try and reconstructure her life. im so proud of her for doing that. i remember the day she told me. it was a few weeks before graduation. the selfish part of me wanted every ounce of her loving heart to stay. i couldnt imagine my life without her. she is so wise and she has an answer to everything. one can only pray and hope to have the strength and intelligence she carries. when she came back from rehab, after her brother passed away, i realized she was even stronger than i though. she trusts in God. she knows God had to take him early, he was too good for such a horrible world. I want to be there for her as she has always been for me. I can't help to think she doesn't care if im there for her. she has giul, kierra, brooke, luke and lot of other people. i feel like im not good enough. i always feel like im not good enough. i feel like i am always involved in drama. sometimes i feel like im still paying for how mean i was to people in elementary and middle school. i apologize for that. i would start fights with people over online websites. who did i think i was? i was some kind of coward and got entertainment over bullying. throughout high school i was constantly stabbed in the back. i envied every group of best friends who had each others back no matter what. i went to college 800 miles away and realized some things dont change. i kind of just feel like i should fight my way through these tough times alone as usual. ill keep writing on this blog hopefully, instead of bottling it all up. that cant be healthy. i will try my best to become a better person. i will try and be nicer. i will stop going out of my way for people that dont deserve it. i will make the best out of life. i will be happy. i will be strong. i will be wise. i will be intelligent.

new blog titles

ive decided to temporarily turn this blog into something new. lately, ive been going through a lot, and have begun to lose trust in a cold world in which i had always thought was warm and welcoming. see growing up means learning life can occasionaly suck. people say it is the most accomplishing thing to realize that you are growing up. however, i feel myself crumbling inside. i feel a sort of depression over coming me. it's nothing serious. i would never think about hurting myself. but sometimes the tears seem to be leaving tracks on my face. the frowns seem more permanent. i figured since i enjoy writing so much that maybe this can be some kind of therapy. see, i was never one to share how i feel to other people. i would never want to see a therapist. im not comfortable and would never be able to get the whole truth out. my hands may shake as i type the words that i never want anyone to know, but it's better than keeping it all bottled up inside of me as i have my whole life.